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ETHICAL
QUESTION
January 27, 2007
Ken Gallinger, The Toronto Star, Life Section
Question:
I recently gave birth to a daughter. Because of
genetic testing done early in my pregnancy we believe
that our daughter will be developmentally delayed.
We have faith that we will be able to handle what
God has given us, but are not confident our friends
will accept our daughter if she is "different,"
so we have told only close friends and family. But
as our daughter grows I am beginning to be concerned
that we are deceiving people who were so supportive
during my pregnancy. Is it ethical of me and my
husband to hide the fact that all is not rosy?
Answer:
I assume the support offered during your pregnancy
was not conditional upon delivering a "normal"
baby who would measure up to your friends' standards.
So you don't owe them a report on how you've done.
You have no ethical obligation to tell anyone about
your daughter's potential limitations. All of us
come into this world with a bewildering array of
abilities and disabilities. I, for example, love
music but sing like a Canada goose. So it is with
each one of us; we do some things well and others
badly, learn some things quickly and others not
at all.
Obviously, others notice what we're good at and
what we're not. My church choir won't let me within
10 metres when they are singing (incidentally, having
heard Michael Enright sing on CBC radio over Christmas,
10 metres might not be far enough in some cases).
But the fact that others notice our limitations
does not oblige us to wear a label: "Caution,
can't sing."
Or dance. Or learn as quickly as someone else.
Your daughter is who she is, and she will grow,
at her own rate, to be whomever she will become.
Like most kids, she'll startle you sometimes with
her wisdom, and stun you at others with her stupidity.
Other people will accept her or they won't, and
either way, that says more about them than about
her. You don't need to "warn" them; in
fact doing so with some people might just stack
the deck against her.
But there is a caveat here. Depending on the extent
of your daughter's disability, you may need more
support than the average parent in guiding her through
the next few years and people can't be supportive
if they don't know the challenge you're dealing
with. So you may want to think carefully about who
in your crowd are most likely to offer their wisdom
and encouragement as you go forward.
You say you've told your closest friends; that may
be enough, or you may want to draw others into the
circle as the needs become more clear.
For any of us, talking about our kids is not an
ethical obligation, but it is an opportunity for
friends to provide understanding, support, encouragement
and prayers, all of which can come in handy.
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Send your questions directly to Ken Gallinger at
ethical@sympatico.ca.
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